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Where
do I begin? Over the years in the proud history of Hard Rock, there
have always been musicians with too much spare time on their hands [kinda'
like me, writing this article :-)]. I'm not even sure how they managed
to come up with all of these names. However, I know they are just 'some'
of all the lame-name rockers out there. You have your own, favorite
rock star with fake ass name? Send them to me and maybe YOUR list will
end up here!!! The address is urban@rockunited.com.
No 'Black Metal' musicians though... since they are way too easy :-)
APE
DE MARTINI (OZ)
The Finnish hardrock band OZ recorded four albums ala Motorhead (only
worse) between the years of 1982-86. The vocalist proudly? named himself
"Ape De Martini" ??? Ah yeah... good one chap! I wonder... what was
the name of the lovely Mrs. De Martini then huh? and... what's wrong
with your real name "Eero Hämälainen" anyway? Then again... have you
guys seen this chap? Ape suites him pretty good actually... hey.. stop
monkeying around!!! (I rest my case... and the suite).
 NASTY
SUICIDE (HANOI ROCKS/CHEAP'N'NASTY)
OK! What's wrong with 'all' you musicians from Finland anyway? [Easy now! - The Finnish AOR-E folks] Horrible
childhood memories? We all know about Hanoi Rocks now don't we? Good
band... they were actually up there among the best! That is... until
Vince Neil (Mötley Crue) decided to dazzle with Razzle (slow down, you're
gonna crash) and they're actually doing a reunion now. This guitarist
sure had a wild imagination though... Nasty Suicide? What's wrong with
names such as: 'Dirty Underwear' ?? or 'Smelly Socks' then??? reality
check anyone? [Kimmo: Nasty released a solo album a few years ago under his real name Jan Stenfors, and these days he's leading a "normal" life, working as a pharmaceutist.]
SWEETHEART
(The THROBS)
Ehhh... hmmmm... oh dear, what goes on inside a guy's head, when he
wants everybody to call him Sweetheart? Geezz... well, at least the
road crew had a good laugh or two. The band was not half bad though,
only one release in the early 90's and guitarist Ginger joined The
Quireboys. Has anyone heard anything about the vocalist Sweet#%#* ever
since? What's that you say? something about red lights in Amsterdam?
Beats me....
FREDDY
STEADY (KROKUS)
Yeah?... so what? His name was Freddy and he was always steady (behind
the drums) Unless he was drunk that is... then I believe they called
him Frikky Stikky (don't quote me on this one though) I do enjoy the
band Krokus though, they even recorded a song about Freddy's old girlfriend
"Smelly Nelly" ahh... good old Nelly... the stories she could tell (too
bad about the smell though).
 MIDNIGHT
(CRIMSON GLORY)
Here's another vocalist with a scary name! Oh lordie, lordie... well...
at least it's better than the alias he wanted at first "The Man Who
Lives And Breed Among The Squirrels". The band Crimson Glory, from Florida/USA,
used to wear some crappy lookin' gold/silver masks too !!! Oh man...
there's no end to the humilations !!! The music is way better than the
image though... praise the lord... yeah... I believe they were a white
metal act at first too... quick... somebody, smoke me a kipper!!!!
KING
DIAMOND (MERCYFUL FATE/SOLO)
Yeah... I know.. I said no black metal artists... but the music of Mercyful
Fate was never "black" now was it? The King is of course himself a satanic
person... and I'm not sure if you can make fun outta him, without being
cursed that is. He actually scares the crap outta me... and I'm sure
he'd tell me to go to hell, if he ever saw this!!! No wait... "Go to
hell" is a good thing for "these guys" right? Nah... he'd proberly say:
"Go straight to heaven without passing go" or sumthing (monopoly anyone?)
You'll have to admit though... King Diamond is a really lame name on
a bloke.... what´s wrong with Kim Bendix ???
MEATLOAF
(SOLO ARTIST)
OK! So I wanna be a rock'n'roll star...hmmm... I better get myself a
nice artist name then! And what a good choice he made...NOT! Sure, you're
all used to hear it by now, but c'mon.. Meatloaf? Why not 'Hamburger',
'Pizza', 'Pigs In A Blanket', or 'Beans' instead? To his defense, Marvin
Lee Aday already had his nickname by the age of 13! But whatever made
him to continue with it, I'll never understand. I'd drop the name at
once and run like a bat out of hell...
 STIXX
GALORE (KING PIN, SHOTGUN MESSIAH)
Shake, Shake, Shake, (Oi!) Rockin' in bop city! Attention drummers!
When in doubt... ALWAYS use an alias, which people easily can relate
to... due to your occupation. Any of the following will also do: Randy
Hihat, Randy Crash , Stupid Guy In The Back, Too Ugly To Be Up Front,
Snare D.Rum, Animal, Nasty Cymbal, Randy Splash , Bada Bing Buford,
etc. This bloke is of course from Sweden, but holy cow and a couple
of goats... his real name is: 'Pekka Ollinen' and that's a Finnish name
(Finland again?)
VALENTINO
VASSELINO (WASA EXPRESS)
Now... this is indeed a dark horse! Not many outside out of Sweden,
may have heard about the band Wasa Express? But they were actually rather
big here during the 70's (I've been told) Heck! I'm a child of the 80's!
What do I know? However, Valentino Vasselino must be the lamest name
of them all. What are we talkin' about here? An Italian Porno star wannabe
or what? Bosse Häggström (his real name) bow your head in shame dude.
 CRAZY
STILETTO (STILETTO)
Look out people since there's a new kid in town. Well, we need some
new blood and this independent vocalist will do. Stiletto is a new hard
rock band from Austria and since this dude in the 'leader of the gang'
he would of course have to be 'Crazy'? Or at least word-blind and a
mad raving lunatic. Just imagine you walking up to him after a show...
and you'd have to adress him with "Crazy Stiletto" . Hey Crazy Stiletto,
good show! Yeah, I'd pee my pants too... ha,ha. On the other hand, Stiletto
IS a really good band and their self titled debut album rocks! Go Figure!!!
DAN
DRUFF (GIANT)
I dunno.... there's something about this dude that really makes my skin
crawl. On the other hand, Giant has always been one of my favorite bands
and their "comeback" album " III " is really something out of the ordinary.
Even if the songs were recorded some 10 years ago! Still, I always end
up scratching my head over this vocalist /guitarist. Not sure why though...
but my hairdo is all itchy and.... what? his name is what? Dann Huff
??? really ??? are you sure??? oh, I guess that explains it all... my
bad... quick! somebody... pass me the shampoo bottle will ya' ...
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