"Snake, Rattle and Roll" by Reb Beach

This is a very disgusting story, but it is unique. Sorry. It was the one of the most important Alice shows I ever did. The House of Blues LA show. In the audience were Ted Nugent and just tons of other famous guitar players. Also, many record industry people. The show began ok, and everything was fine until Alice brought the snake out. Snakes have an extremely slow digestive system. If they eat a rabbit, it takes six months for the snake’s stomach to decompose and mold the carcass in to something it can fit out of its butt. As a result, Snake's poop every four to six months, and when they do, the stench is indescribably all consuming, and horrible. Just imagine the worst thing you have ever smelled, and times it by a hundred.

First came the urine. Alice walked out with the animal wrapped around his shoulders. When the floodgates opened, Alice was oblivious to the new opening, and continued to walk around the stage, spreading the python's scent like a fireman fighting with a hose. Instantly the smell painted a picture of a dirty West Virginia circus Carney ignoring his stall duties. Everything was soaked down quickly. I had seen a horse pee many times, and I was surprised at how similar this was. Coming from such a smaller animal, the force and the amount was jaw dropping. All the band members looked at each other and smirked with a " Oh well, the show must go on!" face.

Everyone got back to their places and tried to ignore what had just happened, so we wouldn't forget our parts. No one could have imagined that it was a pre- poop pee. Especially, because the feeding of the snake was supposed to be timed by the trainer to insure poopless performances.

At first I thought the snake was shedding it's butt skin, or perhaps it was some kind of reverse fur ball. Then, it just kept getting bigger! It was white and pink, and shaped like a long watermelon. At this point I remember thinking that the snake was having a baby! awwww! The miracle of birth right in the middle of the show! This thought was halted abruptly when the smell hit me. Then Alice walked over to me, still clueless of the horrible demon that was being unleashed by his hand after months of festering. The pink smelly baby landed right next to my pedal board with a thud. Womp! I remember the audience, which was nose level with the atrocity, stepping backward 8 steps in unison. Never had I seen an audience do this, and with such perfect choreography! I thought they were going to line dance. Right then, it was time for the one shining moment I got in the show to solo (no exaggeration). I tell ya man, I could not play the instrument. The only time the spotlight is on me all night, and I just couldn't play because of the smell. It was like rubbing your head and patting your stomach while you have diarrhea. Alice was still dropping mines all over the stage. At the end of the song, which seemed to go on forever, the crew was asked to clean up the mess. They refused. That is how bad the smell was. Finally my guitar tech chugged an entire beer, and went out on stage, towel in hand. He wasn't there thirty seconds when he projectile vomited onto the audience and my pedal board.

After the last song, I walked right off stage and out the door and walked to my sister's. Even though I felt embarrassed about the show, at least I got a good Spinal Tap story out of it!